Paranoia XP

February 27 - October 29, 2005

The Gamemaster:

The Players:

Vice President Dick Cheney (Dick) is the Gamemaster.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales plays Alberto-R-GZS-1, a MemoMax quality assurance technologist with Tech Services with a deep and abiding hatred of Commies, mutants, traitors, and anyone else the Computer tells him to hate. The team's Co-Loyalty Officer. Quote: "Are you now or have you ever been a mutant? Please speak clearly into the microphone. No? You realize that it will go far easier with you if you register your mutation, don't you? Admit it! You're responsible for those fires in Sector YLM, aren't you? Very well, but don't say I didn't warn you..." Played by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales (Alberto).

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice plays Condi-R-ICE-1, a HPD&MC lounge singer and a closet palm reader who lives for the thrill of combat, drugs, and officially sanctioned loyalty songs. The team's Happiness Officer. Quote: "If diplomacy doesn't work, try drugs. If they won't dance to your music, try shooting them in the feet." Played by Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice (Condi).

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld plays Donald-R-UMI-1, a volunteer collector for CPU who has spent far too much time around soldiers. Beneath his fierce loyalty to The Computer and his military discipline, Donald has the heart of a poet. The team's Co-Loyalty Officer. Quote: "Hey, I'm not going to force you to test this new flavor of Hot Fun, Citizen. I'm really as harmless as a petbot, once you get to know me. My friend, Mr. Laser, is getting impatient, though, and you wouldn't want to upset a finicky piece of military hardware with a quota to meet, would you? Now drop and give me twenty, infrared scum!" Played by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

President George W. Bush plays George-R-BSH-1, a Vulture Squadron recruiter for the Armed Forces. He washed out of Vulture Squadron basic training for psychological reasons. First, his post-kegstand stress syndrome often resulted in him mistaking explosions for fireworks and warbots for old drinking buddies. Second, his habit of borrowing other recruits' assigned equipment and selling it back to them at twice the usual price - usually by cannily waiting until it was desperately needed to escape the current crisis alive - tended to negatively impact team morale. The Team Leader. Quote: "Can you spare a low-cancer cigarette, citizen? Thanks. Okay, this time, I'll shoot left-handed, and just to make things interesting, if you win, I'll give you 1,000 credits. If I win, you give me 500. I'll even use your laser pistol to make the shot. Ready? Hey, your boot's untied." Played by President George W. Bush (George).

Secretary of the Treasury John Snow plays John-R-SNO-1, a quiet, withdrawn robopsyche auditor for R&D and a clone on the edge of a nervous breakdown. He is far too creative to just gun down a laboratory full of co-workers before turning the slugthrower on himself, though. No, when he goes down, he intends to take the sector, the Computer, and possibly all of Alpha Complex down with him. Against all probability, he is the team's Hygiene Officer. Quote: "Gee, it's great that you're showing your devotion to our Friend the Computer by shouting anti-Commie slogans at me, but I couldn't help but notice your breath smells...I dunno...substandard. I'm going to have to perform a full Personal Hygiene Test with Skin-Core Sample to determine the root cause of the odor. But if you close your mouth so I can't smell your breath, I might let you get off with gargling some mouthscrub. If the bad breath comes back, though, well...I have a duty, you know." Played by Secretary of Treasury John Snow (John).

Secretary of Energy Samuel Bodman plays Samuel-R-BMN-1, a battery backup rep for Power Services who takes great delight in his job. Not content to merely reduce the burden of the power grid, Samuel is constantly alert for ways to reduce the fuel cell consumption of weapons (often by reducing their output), bots (often by eliminating non-essential parts - like limbs), and vehicles (often by eliminating heavy parts that reduce fuel efficiency - like seats). The team's Equipment Guy. Quote: "Of course I modified your laser pistol. You don't have to kill the traitors with it. Just hurt them enough to take the fight and flight out of them. Then you take this standard issue - and I must say, extremely energy efficient - truncheon and beat the traitor the rest of the way dead. Of course I made the same modifications to my laser as I did to everyone else's. What exactly are you implying?" Played by Secretary of Energy Samuel Bodman (Samuel).

Former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge plays Tom-R-IDG-1, a surveilance operative for IntSec who lives forever in shadows, burning the infidels out of the eyes of the Computer with his laser, cutting the Commie mutant traitors out of Alpha Complex with his katana, and opening the eyes of those who have not yet accepted The Computer as their personal savior to a more perfect faith with a thick folder full of blackmail. The Communications and Recording Officer. Quote: "In a moment, I'm going to use you as an improvised missile weapon against your friend over there with the laser. What the official mission record will show, however, is that he treasonously shot you without provocation. If you will not accept the light of the Computer into your heart, perhaps he will." Played by former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge (Tom).

Archives

Mage: the Ascension (campaign)

Paranoia (2nd Ed.) (one-shot)

3E D&D (one-shot)

Paranoia XP (campaign)

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