Hand Grenade Negotiation

May 7, 2005

GM Conference with Samuel:

Dick: So, have you decided what particular brand of treason you're going to commit to get out of this closet before you end up looking like Conrad-R?
Samuel: Maybe, but I have some questions, first. The vault door swings out, right?
Dick: It's more of a closet-sized crate than a vault, but yes.
Samuel: Can I tell what is keeping it shut - bolts, latch, magnetism?
Dick: What's your Hardware?
Samuel: Electronic Engineering is 14. Hardware is 10.
Dick rolls in secret - 8.
Dick: It appears to be sealed with bolts released by an electronic lock.
Samuel: Let me make sure I understand you. If the current is cut, the door stays locked. If electricity flows into the bolts, the door unlocks.
Dick: Uh, yes...
Samuel: Safe cracker's fantasy.
Dick: It's a crate, not a safe.
Samuel: It's a crate full of nuclear weapons. A vault filled with gold bars isn't that valuable.
Dick: True enough, but the purposes are completely different.
Samuel: In any case, I've decided on what treason to perform. I'm going to set up some tools and any available electronic devices in such a way as to make it look like I'm drawing energy from them. Then, once my decoy is complete, I'll turn out the lights and blast the appropriate part of the door with Electroshock.
Dick rolls in secret - 4.
Dick: There is a brief crackle and flash of electricity followed a resonating thud as the bolts slide back.
Samuel: I'm not wasting any time pushing the door open and getting out of the closet.
Dick: You poke your head out just in time to see your team leader leaning over the front of the caboose, near the wheels. The rest of the transbot doesn't appear to be attached to the caboose, but you can see the lights of a transbot station approaching several hundred yards away. I'm bringing George into this, now.

Conference with George and Samuel:
Dick: George, just as you have finished doing whatever you were doing at the front of the caboose, you hear a resounding and metallic thud behind you.
George: I ready my laser and turn, shining the flashlight down the barrel.
Dick: The crate door has opened, and a disheveled-looking Samuel-R has all but fallen out.
George: I train my laser on him but hold me fire, for now.
Samuel: I look up at the flashlight and hold up my hands. "I'm unarmed. Conrad-R requires immediate medical attention. I believe there might be a radiation leak."
George: "Samuel-R, what happened?"
Samuel: "That crazed bot drugged us, tied us up, and put us in here. We only barely managed to escape, but Conrad-R doesn't look well. Help me get him out of there."
George (ooc): I hope you're not thinking of luring me inside, hitting me over the head with a truncheon, and then locking me in there with him, Samuel-R.
Samuel (ooc): Great idea, George. Lock the megalomaniac in a room with multiple nuclear warheads so he has nothing left to lose. No, thank you.
George: I go over as if to give him a hand. "I don't know if I should risk exposure to radiation. I have an important duty to perform, you know."
Samuel: "At least let me borrow your flashlight."
George: "I can't let you do that. I need it."
Samuel: "Don't you want to know what's in the box? I think you'll find it gives you a better understanding of how important our mission is."
George: "Of course." I look inside the crate.
Dick: Conrad-R looks really bad. The crate is filled with cone rifle shells marked with radiation symbols.
George: "What's in the box?"
Samuel: "That information is not available at my security clearance, but I can hazard a guess, if you'll help me with Conrad-R, first."
George: I consider this for a long moment before giving him a hand.
Samuel: I take any tools with me and close the door behind us.
George: "Well?"
Samuel: "Tactical nuclear warheads."
George: "Really? How much do you figure one of those things are worth?"
Samuel: "A lot, I imagine."
George: "Which means Commie mutant traitors would cheerfully kill us to get their hands on them."
Samuel: "I wouldn't bet against you on that point, George-R. Why is the caboose not connected to the rest of the transbot?"
George: "Alberto-R and John-R mistook the coupling disconnect for a brake."
Samuel: "Why did we need to brake?"
George: "We were getting close to the border station, and if we crossed into it without authorization, the border defenses would have destroyed the transbot."
Samuel: "Why not use the brake in the engine car?"
George: "Someone locked the door to it, and we were in a tunnel, so we couldn't even slip in through the window. The rest of the team apparently managed to stop the transbot, though, since I can see it up ahead just past the station."
Samuel: "We might want to get ready, then. They'll either want to inspect us or kill us. Do you have a spare sidearm? The bot took mine."
George: "I'll give you a grenade for 100 credits."
Samuel: "You're going to charge me for a weapon that I will use to defend both of us?"
George: "This is personal equipment. I can't afford to give it away frivolously on my salary."
Dick: Perversity point, George.
George (ooc): Golly, Dick. You give me almost as many Bills as Congress!
Samuel: I look long and hard at him and blink. "You can get a grenade with a RED ME card for 50 credits in the vending machine at Troubleshooter HQ. 100 credits is extortion."
George: "I beg to differ, Samuel-R. Our supply of grenades on this transbot is limited. I don't see any grenade vending machines on this caboose, do you, and I don't recall there being any grenade vending machines on the rest of the transbot, either."
Samuel: "If you don't give me a grenade, you'll have to face any danger we meet by yourself. I'll be forced to cower in a corner until the shooting stops, as I lack a missile weapon."
George: "You make a convincing argument. 80 credits."
Samuel: "That's ridiculous!"
George: "You have to look at it from my perspective. Not only is my supply of grenades finite, but the demand on them in the event that combat should break out will be much higher than, say, in Troubleshooter HQ."
Samuel: "But you don't even know if we'll have to fight, yet! You're just speculating."
George: "Actually, you're the one speculating. I'm just supplying whatever goods you think you might need."
Samuel (ooc): I am increasingly tempted to buy a grenade from you just so I can pull the pin and stuff it down your shirt. The look on your face would be well worth 80 credits...
George (ooc): Was that in-character?
Samuel (ooc): No. Sorry.
George: "I concede you have a point, however. 75 credits. Final offer, though I reserve the right to adjust the price if market pressures force me to do so."
Samuel: I consider this.
Dick: In the darkness ahead, across from the transbot platform and about twenty meters away from it, you see the flicker of a muzzle flash.
Samuel: "Sold." I reach for the credits.
George: "150."
Samuel: "What?"
George: "150. You're not speculating anymore. We have confirmation that you're going to need that grenade in the immediate future, so the price has just gone up. Are you still interested?"
Samuel: "How much for just the pin of the grenade?"
Dick: Right. Another Bill for George, and you're going to go back to the gaming table. The group will be back together soon.

GM Conference with Alberto:

Dick: So, Alberto, is your new clone going to be a kinder, gentler clone?
Alberto: I'm going to find an INFRARED who is impressionable enough to show me to the control room for the border defenses.
Dick: You round a corner, and an INFRARED takes a stab at you with a knife.
Dick rolls a die in secret - 7.
Dick: He barely misses you.
Alberto: I grab his knife arm and break it over my knee at the elbow. Violence is 8.
Dick rolls in secret - 3.
Dick: You don't quite break his arm, but he drops the knife and howls in pain.
Alberto: Is he at least snafued?
Dick: Yes.
Alberto: Good, then while he's distracted, I pistol whip him across the face with my laser.
Dick rolls in secret - 5.
Dick: He reels back, falling to the floor. Still snafued, though he's going to make a grab for the knife.
Alberto: I shoot him in the hand with my laser. Energy is 12.
Dick rolls in secret - 11.
Dick: He yelps and clutches his wrist where your laser sliced off his hand and then cauterized it back on again.
Alberto: I put one booted foot on his neck to hold down his head and put my laser pistol to it. "How do I shut down the border defenses?"
Dick: He freezes in terror. About ten meters down the corridor, an INFRARED with a crude sword arrives, apparently investigating the disturbance. Her eyes go wide and she...
Alberto: I shoot to kill.
Dick rolls in secret - 20.
Dick: Your laser catches her in the chest and melts the arteries of her heart shut, causing her to suffer an immediate and instantly fatal heart attack. The INFRARED under your heel laughs slightly.
Alberto: I grind my heel to discourage this behavior. "I fail to see the humor in your situation, citizen."
Dick: He groans and squirms a little. "She was the only one who knew the codes for the defenses."
Alberto: I yank out my PDC. "Friend Computer, our mission is being hindered by border defenses at the transbot station on the edge of the IRQ Sector. Please shut down the defenses, so that we may continue our mission."
Dick: There is only static on the line. "We've been nuking the Eye on sight, man. Do you think there's an intact PDC tower within a kilometer of here?"
Alberto: I shoot him in the back of the head.
Dick: You must have damaged the laser when you used it as a melee weapon. The barrel explodes with an audible pop.
Alberto: I pull out a spare and screw it onto the body.
Dick: Your stone-cold killer image is somewhat sullied when the new barrel immediately slides off the body and hits the INFRARED in the back of the head. It seems the previous barrel's explosion stripped the threads on the body.
Alberto: I pull out some plasticord and start tying his wrists together. "It looks like I'm going to have to do this the Old Reckoning way." Once he's bound, I fire up the hottorch. "Let me know if this hurts. I want to make sure it's working." I start with his ear.
Dick: As you put the flame to his ear, his bonds snap, and he abruptly tosses you into a wall with superhuman strength. Before you recover, he stands, picks you up, and beats the hell out of you with his bare hands before leaving you bleeding and bruised on the corridor floor. We'll call it wounded, okay? He then steals any plasticreds you're carrying and storms away and out of sight.
Alberto: I pick myself up, dust myself off, and head back to the transbot platform.
Dick: Good, we'll rejoin your fellow Troubleshooters at the gaming table.

Back at the Gaming Table:

George: "For the last time, it's a package deal! You can't buy the parts separately. It's a grenade, not a pin and the explosive part of a grenade."
Samuel: "How about renting?"
George: "I will lease it to you for 50 credits, but you'll have to leave a deposit of 100 credits, which I will return when you return the grenade in good condition, the definition of which will be determined by me."
Samuel: "No. I don't trust you enough for that. How do I know you won't invent imaginary flaws when I give it back?"
Dick and Alberto return to the gaming table.
Dick: Haven't you two agreed on a price, yet?
Samuel (ooc): I can't strike a bargain with this man. He's just trying to take advantage of the situation.
George (ooc): Take advantage of the situation? You're the one who doesn't realize how lost you'll be if you don't accept my generous offer.
Condi (ooc): As someone who has to deal with the U.N. all the damn time, I don't have the patience for this nonsense in a game! If you two don't come to an agreement right now, I'm going to strangle you both.
George (ooc): Wow. I know who isn't invited along the next time I try to broker peace in the Middle East...
Samuel: "Fine. Fine! You know what? I don't need a grenade that badly. I still have my truncheon. I'll just use the crate full of atomic warheads for cover until they're forced to get within melee range."
George: "You know a great way to kill Commie mutant traitors who have cover that is too tough for lasers and slugthrowers? A well-placed grenade..."
Samuel: I cross my arms and turn away from him.
Alberto (ooc): See, this is what I did, too. Prepare to be clone #2.
George (ooc): Nah. He's a potential customer. You were just a backstabbing menace.
Alberto (ooc): I'm not a backstabber. I'm a whistleblower. Besides, pot, I'm the one whose clone is lying on the transbot tracks with an air conditioned brain.
Dick: If you two are done negotiating, can we get back to the firefight in progress?

GM - Vice President Cheney
Alberto-R-GZS-1 (Alberto) - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
Condi-R-ICE-1 (Condi) - Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice
Donald-R-UMI-1 (Donald) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
George-R-BSH-1 (George) - President George W. Bush
John-R-SNO-1 (John) - Secretary of Treasury John Snow
Samuel-R-BMN-1 (Samuel) - Secretary of Energy Samuel Bodman
Tom-R-IDG-1 (Tom) - Former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge