Truth...

October 19, 2005

Dick: A very nervous-looking Jacques-Y-CHC-3 waits for you in the dimly lit but not completely dark briefing room. The desk and chairs are gone, but the stool and god light are still at the center of the room. The room smells of recent bleaching and fresh paint, and there is no sign of violence ever being done in this room. Jacques-Y stands with his back to the far wall, holding a thick folder full of paper in one hand. Several cameras and a blank wall screen look at you from over his shoulders. Where is everyone standing, sitting, or prostrating themselves to beg for mercy?
Alberto: I'll press as far to the back as possible, trying very hard not to look at the cameras.
Condi: I'll stand in the front or next to the team leader, whichever puts me closer to Jacques-Y.
Donald: I'll stay close to the middle.
George: I'll stand up front with the happiness officer.
John: I'll stick to the center off the pack.
Samuel: Same here.
Tom: I'm going to try to disappear into the shadows as much as possible.
Jacques-Y: "Your assigned mission was to guard a transbot's cargo of humanitarian relief supplies and materials necessary for the repair of the damaged nuclear reactor in IRQ Sector, as well as protecting the technicians responsible for making repairs. According to Peter-O-MLY-4 and the release forms signed by your team leader at the PLC warehouse where you were outfitted, you left FRA Sector with a full compliment of supplies necessary to the completion of your mission. When you were extracted from IRQ Sector by Vulture Warriors, however, the entire humanitarian relief cargo car was empty, and the repair materials in the caboose had been replaced by three crates full of WMDs. Further, all the bots assigned to your team had been destroyed, almost all the technicians you were assigned to protect had lost multiple clones, and the transbot itself had suffered considerable damage, including the total loss of its engine car. It would appear your mission failed in every way it could have. Why?"
Tom: "The Computer sees and hears all. Why does it not consult the recordings made by the surveillance devices on the transbot?"
Jacques-Y: "Due to damage to IRQ Sector communications infrastructure and the fall of the engine car with the transbot's surveillance records into a very deep pit, most of the mission record has been destroyed. All multicorder recordings made by the R&C after Tom-R-IDG-1's unfortunate death have been classified security clearance BLUE. I have been given instructions to take your word about what happened on your mission."
Everyone looks at Dick for a long moment and blinks.
Dick: One at a time. Everyone can make one statement of about a paragraph. For every 5 Perversity you spend, you can make an additional statement. Who wants to lie first? George?
George (ooc): It seems like every time I express my faith in my teammates and make bold proclamations about their innocence, I end up eating my words.
Dick (ooc): You're not the only one. I hope Scooter didn't do anything so stupid.
Condi (ooc): I thought we agreed not to bring Karl and Scooter up at gaming.
Dick: True. So, do you want to lie first, George?
George (ooc): If there's one thing I learned from Bill Clinton about being the President, it's to lie last unless you tell the truth last.
Dick (ooc): That's very deep. Let's go alphabetically, then. Alberto-R?
Alberto: "Commie mutant traitors captured the transbot station on the perimeter of IRQ Sector, using the border defenses to bar the transbot's path for several hours. While we were eventually able to overcome this obstacle, we suffered many casualties in the process, and the transbot suffered considerable damage before we could shut down those defenses."
Condi (singing tunelessly): "Despite my best efforts, the Power Services and Technical Services technicians suffered from chronic substandard morale and precipitated several team killing incidents. Once I exhausted my supply of Gelgernine, I could no longer prevent them from harming each other."
Donald (shouting): "There was also the attack by the traitors in the autocars!"
George: "During the chaos, the coupling connecting the humanitarian relief car and the caboose to the rest of the transbot came loose. I suspect that as we were dealing with the traitors in the autocars, Commie mutant traitors replaced the two cargo cars with cargo cars filled with WMDs and heavy weapons, the latter of which were destroyed by Samuel-R in a heroic effort to prevent them from falling into the hands of the traitors holding us hostage in the transbot station."
John: "I suspect that powerful traitors intended to subvert the whole mission in such a way that instead of delivering supplies to the loyal citizens of IRQ Sector, we would be delivering illegal weaponry to IRQ insurgents. Surely, Friend Computer has seen the confessions of Abraham-B and Osama-B!"
Jacques-Y: "Who?"
John sighs.
Samuel: "The Commie mutant traitors in the transbot station were also likely responsible for reprogramming some of the bots on the transbot to kill humans, including most of the technicians. They were all working perfectly when we left the transbot station in FRA Sector. The confusion of being attacked by the tireless servants of The Computer distracted George-R and Alberto-R from the task of guarding the supply cars. They valiantly came to our passengers' assistance, but this unfortunately gave the transbot car thieves an opportunity to substitute the transbot cars."
Tom: "We foiled the plot of the Commies in the transbot station by pretending to give them the contents of the weapons cargo car that had mysteriously appeared near the back of the transbot in exchange for safe passage through the perimeter and toward our destination. I killed all the Commies in the station by staying behind and setting all the ammunition on fire, dying valiantly in the attempt."
Samuel (ooc): Tom, you glory-stealing asshole...
Tom (ooc): I need some compensation for being the first one to die on this mission.
Dick: Okay, now who wants to spend Perversity for a rebuttal?
George: I will. "So, to summarize, Commie mutant traitors attacked the transbot with autocars at the front, putting the engine and the technicians in clear danger. While we repelled that threat, more traitors snuck onto the transbot and disconnected the cargo cars. This deed done, the other traitors broke off their attack. At about this time, we reached the transbot border station, where we were forced to either stop or be cut to ribbons (along with our precious cargo and passengers) by the perimeter defenses. It was at about this time that the substitute cargo cars rolled up behind us and connected automatically as a result of the magnetic coupling. At the time, we didn't realize the cars had been switched."
Dick: That's enough for 5 Pervs. Anyone want to take over, or does George get to insert another quarter in the machine?
John (ooc): Now I'm seeing a monitor of The Computer with a flashing "Insert Coin" message.
Condi (ooc): And when you put a plasticred in, The Computer's eye appears for just a moment before a laser turret blasts you.
Tom (ooc): Sounds like fodder for a Zap game.
Samuel: I'll continue the story. "Because at that very moment, Commie mutant traitors armed with semiautomatic slugthrowers, lasers, and cone rifles swarmed out of the station structure and attacked the transbot. We were outnumbered at least ten to one, but we would not surrender. I lost count of how many we killed before we ran out of ammunition. We were making a final stand in the transbot's cargo car - resigned to go down singing the glories of Alpha Complex - but by a stroke of fortune, we discovered the replacement humanitarian relief car contained a huge arsenal of adware weaponry that spouted propaganda. Resolved to drive off the Commie threat at all costs to our health and sanity, we fought the traitors with their own weapons."
Dick: Enough. Next?
Tom: "Alas, perhaps guessing our mission, they began to focus their attacks on the technicians. We tried to put a stop to the carnage, but we were pinned down ourselves. I suspect it was during this battle that the Commie mutant traitors reprogrammed or destroyed all the bots, which we had been forced to leave in the engine car, driven back as we were by heavy slugthrower fire. Some of the traitors had taken up firing positions within close range of a nearby transtube, for while the traitors had destroyed many of The Computer's eyes, they had been unable to put a stop to Memo Max transmissions. When new clones of Troubleshooters arrived through the transtube, they swiftly inflicted twice their weight in casualties before breaking through the besieging army of traitors and reinforcing our position. Replacement technicians, however, were seldom so fortunate, and the traitors were re-killing many of our passengers."
Dick: Enough. Next?
Condi (to the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic): "It was about this time that I conferred with Abraham-B. I informed him of the horrors of the IRQ Sector war. He consulted his advisors, then returned with face quite grim. ‘Save the mission at all cost. Bargain, bargain with the traitors. We will get our vengeance later. Once the nuke is fixed, all their treason will be nixed. Save the mission at all cost.'" (spoken) Yeah. That's all I've got.
Dick: Next?
George: "So Condi-R returned, bringing her grim orders from Abraham-B. Had she not hosed everyone down with the last of the Gelgernine, there would have been weeping, wailing, and a great gnashing of teeth. How could we - Alpha Complex's Troubleshooters, the faithful chosen of Friend Computer - so blithely give the Commie mutant traitors what they wanted? Yet, we had our orders regarding the transbot, and we would have to stay the course. With hearts heavy and minds drug-dulled, we began unloading the weapons from the cargo car that had replaced the humanitarian relief cargo car, vowing to take our vengeance on the traitors who had forced us to compromise."
Dick: Great. Next?
Tom: "The pile of highly explosive ammunition was too tempting for me. I stayed behind when the rest of the Troubleshooters departed the station, keeping to the shadows until I was certain the mission could continue. When the Commie mutant traitors swarmed around the pile of military hardware, I leapt from the shadows and set them and their ill-gotten goods alight with a borrowed flamethrower. I spared no one from The Computer's purging flames. The resulting explosion killed me, but not before I insured the Communists had gained nothing from us. In their moment of victory, I showed them bitter defeat."
Dick: Enough. Next?
Donald: "The rest of the trip was largely uneventful, though the traitors landed a blow of their own on us when the bots on the transbot they had sabotaged began malfunctioning and killing us all. We were unfortunately forced to destroy all the bots, for they had killed many technicians. There was a strange tension between the Power Services technicians and the Technical Services Technicians. I suspect the traitors also had sleeper agents among the technicians who used unregistered mutations to sow discord between the two groups, fanning the tension until it became open warfare. We had been largely successful in protecting the technicians from armies of mutants, autocars filled with Commie traitors, and even killer bots, but I fear we were not equipped to deal with the internal conflict between the technicians. Their leaders forbade us from interfering, and because they outranked us, there was little we could do except document the conflict and work to minimize the casualties it inflicted."
Dick: Enough. Next?
Condi (to the tune of Somewhere Over the Rainbow): "Somewhere in IRQ Sector / cargo cars / filled with cargo we needed / stolen are." (singing to the tune of What a Beautiful World) "All the Hot and Cold Fun / the jump suits, too / INFRARED drugs / and the tools for the crew - I fear they're all lost / to the Communist threat. I think someone should deal / with the Communist threat." It's harder than it looks on paper.
Dick: I can see that. Anyone else have anything to add?
Alberto: I'm all out of Pervs.
John: Same here.
Condi: I'm done.
Donald: Ditto.
Tom: I've caused all the trouble I can, I think.
Samuel: You bastard. I'm guessing I'll need my Pervs just to survive judgement.
George: I just have to have the last word. I jump and raise my hands over my head. "Surprise!" (singing) "Happy decanting to you! Happy decanting to you! Happy decanting, Friend Computer! Happy decanting to you!" I take a step forward and point at the stool. "Make a wish and blow out the candles!"
Dick: A laser turret pops out of the ceiling and vaporizes the stool. And with that, we'll move on to the rewards and punishments phase of debriefing.
George: "What did you wish for?"
John (ooc): It wished you were out of clone backups.
Alberto (ooc): It wished you'd stop rubbing your Perversity in the faces of the less fortunate.
Donald (ooc, shouting): Drop and give me twenty, Mr. President!
Tom (ooc): It wished it believed in euthanasia.
John (ooc): For itself or for George-R?
Tom (ooc): All three.
Condi (ooc): I don't know what The Computer wished for, but I wish you'd sit down.
Samuel (ooc): I just wish we'd get on with the game.
Dick: Your wish is my command, Samuel.

GM - Vice President Cheney
Alberto-R-GZS-1 (Alberto) - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
Condi-R-ICE-1 (Condi) - Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice
Donald-R-UMI-1 (Donald) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
George-R-BSH-1 (George) - President George W. Bush
John-R-SNO-1 (John) - Secretary of Treasury John Snow
Samuel-R-BMN-1 (Samuel) - Secretary of Energy Samuel Bodman
Tom-R-IDG-1 (Tom) - Former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge