Transbots, Trend-Steppers, and Hacks

February 27, 2005

Dick: Okay, what are each of you doing before the mission alert arrives?
Alberto: I'm scanning the memories of the prime clones of INFRAREDs to make sure they are transmitting efficiently.
Condi: I'm singing a stirring rendition of "Gonna Be Ultraviolet One Day" in an INFRARED mess hall, wearing a red, sequined dress.
Donald: I'm encouraging a group of INFRAREDs to participate in a brief survey by shouting at them a lot. Those who fill out the survey wrong have to run through a grueling obstacle course and then take the survey again. They keep taking the survey and running the obstacle course until they fill out the survey to the satisfaction of my superiors.
George: I'm putting Cancer-Lite Cigarettes in Cancer-Free Cigarette cartons and selling them on the IR Market at a slight discount.
John: I'm counseling a depressed jackobot in such a way that it answers the question "What is your primary function?" with "To serve the Computer and Alpha Complex in this miserable capacity until I find an opportunity to damage my bot brain beyond repair."
Samuel: I'm reducing the energy consumption of the lights in INFRARED corridors with a broom handle.
Tom: I've just finished creche-camping. Whenever a Junior Citizen becomes an adult INFRARED, I tail him, bug him, and then corner him in an...energy efficient corridor and, with a warm and welcoming smile, tell him that his clone template will be preserved forever in the great database of the Computer if he turns from the dark path he is on and repents. If the teenage IR objects that he's innocent, I'll hint at things my surveillance devices have recorded that could be interpreted as insubordinate or even treasonous until he either renounces his past sins or does something rashly insubordinate, at which point I deliver my carefully edited evidence to IntSec.
Dick: Each of your PDCs begins to vibrate, telling you that you have received a text message from your friend, the Computer.
John: Checking it casually as I listen to the jackobot's complaints against humanity.
Samuel: Pausing under an operational light to read it.
Condi: Not missing a beat as I read the message.
Tom: Telling the IR that I have to take this and reading the message. Not letting him out of my sight, though.
Alberto: Checking the message with my spare hand while holding the multiscanner near the INFRARED's head like a gun.
Donald: Shouting at all the INFRARED volunteers to drop and give me twenty so I can read the message without any of them running off.
George: Finishing resealing the carton before checking the message.
Dick: The message is from the Computer. "Citizen, you have been selected from a pool of thousands of Troubleshooters to perform a mission of great importance to Alpha Complex - code name Operation IRQ Freedom. You will help Tech Services restore power to a sector that has become the target of treasonous sabotage. Please report immediately to Jacques-Y-CHC-2's quarters in the FRA Sector for briefing. A means of transportation is waiting for you in the corridor outside. What are you doing?
Alberto: "I have pressing Troubleshooter business, but I'm not finished with you, so you're coming with me."
Dick: The INFRARED shuffles his feet slightly and mumbles something about a headache.
Alberto: "I told you, Citizen. The multiscanner is perfectly safe, even at the highest setting. The Computer has assured me of this. Do you doubt the Computer?"
Dick: He shakes his head vigorously.
Alberto: "Then you're coming with me. Stay close."
Dick: Your transport turns out to be a waiting hack.
Alberto: I let the INFRARED get in first before getting in myself. "To the FRA Sector. Corridor closest to Jacques-Y-CHC-2's quarters."
Dick: "Yes, sir." It then takes a meandering route to your destination. "That will be 80 credits, please."
Alberto: I turn off the scanner, which has completed its task, by now. "Thank you for your cooperation, citizen." I address the hack. "Charge half to my ME. He'll pay the other half."
Dick: The INFRARED stares at you in horror. "That's almost half a monthcycle's pay!"
Alberto: "Then you really shouldn't take joy rides in such expensive modes of transportation, citizen."
Dick: "But you made me come with you."
Alberto: I pull out my PDC. "Friend Computer, please note that Pedro-GZS-1 is refusing to pay half the fare of a hack ride he shared with a citizen of higher clearance."
Dick: "Noted. Pedro-GZS-1 has been fined 1 credit for insubordination and will report to the nearest confession booth for his probation hearing. Have a nice day."
Alberto: I step out of the hack and into the corridor.
Dick: Pedro sighs and steps out behind you. He gasps as he realizes the walls are painted red.
Alberto: I take a picture of him with my PDC. "Friend Computer, please note that Pedro-GZS-1 was seen in an area above his security clearance."
Dick: Pedro shrinks back inside the hack. The Computer speaks through your PDC, "I have noted this, Citizen Alberto-R-GZS-1. Pedro-GZS-1 has been fined 1 credit for being present in a location of higher security clearance than his own and will report to the nearest confession booth to explain why he has tested his Friend's patience by commiting another crime before attending his probation hearing." Pedro huddles in the doorway of the hack, tears streaming down his face as he suppresses a sob.
Alberto: "Citizen, are you happy?"
Dick: He stutters out, "Y-yes, Cit-citizen. H-h-happiness is m-mandatory."
Alberto: "Good. You'd better get going. You don't want to keep the Computer waiting."
Dick: "B-but h-how c-c-can I g-go without without entering a R-R-RED c-corridor?"
Alberto: "There is a perfectly serviceable hack right behind you, citizen. I have no further use for it."
Dick: "B-but I don't h-have any m-money left on my M-ME card."
Alberto: "Then you shouldn't have spent it so frivolously, Citizen. Maybe the Computer, in its wisdom, will prescribe some drugs that will cure your negative attitude. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a job to do for Alpha Complex." I leave him and go find the briefing room.
George (ooc): See, this is why you're Attorney General.
Dick: Condi. You're up.
Condi (ooc): That's going to be a tough act to follow.
Alberto (ooc): Just thought I'd get this mission off on the right foot.
Condi (ooc): Seriously, Alberto. You're more of a dick than Dick is.
Dick (ooc): Not so fast, Condi.
George (ooc): Trust me. It's a bad idea to challenge Dick's authority or question his power.
Condi: I finish the song, take a bow, and then go to check out my transportation.
Dick: In your case, its a crowded transbot a short walk away.
Condi: While we travel to our destination, I'll organize a singalong. "Citizen, why aren't you singing? Aren't you happy? Sing with us. It will make you feel better."
Dick: Several stray slugthrower rounds rip through the transbot as it passes a sector where a riot is in progress. The transbot degenerates into a cacophony of wails and screams of pain. There is quite a lot of blood on the floor."
Condi: I'll relay this information to the Computer via my PDC, requesting medical assistance at the next station. "Someone keep the casualties quiet. We'll be at our destination soon. Look at the bright side. At least the Commie mutant traitors didn't bomb the transbot instead of just shooting at it. We all would have been dead, if that had happened. Now, we still have two more verses of 'The Ballad of Teela-O' left to sing. No. That's not even close to the right key." I take out my tuning whistle. "There. That's your note. Now, sing with me. You'll find it makes everything much more fun. Why, your troubles just seem to disappear." If they don't get back in tune, I hose them down with my can of Gelgenine until they're calmed down enough to stop panicking uselessly and just sing.
Dick: There's a bit of whimpering that's out of tempo, but you manage to keep the INFRAREDs on the transbot relatively calm until you reach the station. A team of medics and docbots quickly unloads the wounded and tends their injuries. Your singing did, indeed, make the situation better.
John (ooc): You're going to end up being our Happiness Officer, aren't you?
Condi (ooc): I certainly hope so.
John (ooc): One of us is not making it through this mission alive.
Condi (ooc): You'd be amazed at how much you might like me when you meet me, John.
Dick: Donald?
Donald: I check out the means of transport.
Dick: It's a trend-stepper.
Donald: I find the citizens who still haven't filled out their surveys properly and round them up. "Alright, you maggots. Since you obviously don't know what your favorite flavor of Hot Fun is, you're coming with me. I'll hand out another copy of the survey when we get to the FRA Sector. You have one last chance to get this right."
Dick: The INFRAREDs are clearly unhappy about this situation, and even though you're working three times as hard to go the same distance, they're so tired from the circuit training that they're having trouble keeping up with you.
Donald: "I don't know, but I've been told. Dried Shrimp fun is very cold." If any of them fall behind, they get to pedal the trend-stepper for the next mile. If they stop pedaling the trend-stepper, I shout at them and threaten them with another survey until they get their second wind.
Dick: "Eventually, you reach your destination and get correctly completed surveys."
Donald: "There. Was that so difficult, Citizens? Thank you for your cooperation."
Dick: They murmur "You're welcome" as they pant in exhaustion on the floor of the corridor. Mr. President?
George: What's my ride?
Dick: A hack is idling for you.
George: I casually get inside it and give it the name of my destination.
Dick: It attempts to engage you in an animated conversation.
George: I lie to it idly. I don't even tell the truth when it asks me my favorite flavor of Hot Fun. It's safer to assume that everything I say is recorded somewhere.
Dick: Other than talking to you, the hack doesn't do anything remarkable before reaching your destination. John?
John: What is my mode of transport?
Dick: A crowded transbot.
John: I sigh slightly and squeeze inside. "I'm sure glad everyone in here is on a diet. I don't think I would have fit if you were all just a little heavier."
Dick: The INFRAREDs glare at you.
John: I hold up my hands defensively. "Hey, you're not half as fat as some of the other INFRAREDs I've seen licking the food vats. You clearly take pride in your good hygiene, though I suggest you cut back on the algae chips and invest the extra money in buying a mirror. It's good that you're comfortable with your bodies, but have you ever considered the possibility that some of your fellow citizens might not be? It would certainly make the daycycle-ly commute feel less crowded if there was half as much mass per citizen on board. I'm just saying..."
Dick: You reach your destination with a black eye, a bloody nose, and a sore ribcage, but you think the internal bleeding is probably minimal.
John: I take careful note of the number of the transbot and add it to my mental List.
Samuel (ooc): Your list of trains to blow up later?
John (ooc): That's my little secret.
Dick: Samuel.
Samuel: What's my ride?
Dick: A hack.
Samuel: Before I get in, I improve its fuel efficiency by ripping its bumpers off with a crowbar. I'd perform more drastic modifications, but that would take too long, and I don't want to keep the Computer waiting.
Dick: The hack takes off like a vulturecraft, leaving a wake of injured citizens and property damage wherever it goes. Take a wound.
Samuel: Trying to switch it to automatic.
Dick: What's your vehicle ops?
Samuel: 14.
Dick: You have no difficulty taming the vehicle. You even manage to improve its gearshift and reduce its mass even more during the short trip to the briefing room.
Samuel (on a note): Using my sabotage skill to set this hack up for one last ride before it stops working. My skill is 14.
Dick (on a note): The YELLOW clearance citizen who takes this hack later today dies when it explodes in a ball of flame. The INFRARED who used it after you, of course, takes the blame.
Samuel (ooc): I'm done. Your turn, Tom.
Tom: And my means of transport?
Dick: An almost empty transbot. It looks like the interior was recently rinsed out with strong acid.
Tom: I hide under one of the benches anyway, just to make sure I'm not noticed by anyone at any of the other stations.
Dick: All the unwashed INFRAREDs who board at the next station don't notice you, though a couple of them accidentally kick you.
Tom: I watch them for any signs of treasonous activity, documenting the trip for later study when I have more time to examine the video for solid evidence against the passengers.
Dick: You eventually reach your destination.
Tom: I'll crawl out from under the bench as if being there is the most normal thing in the world and get off the transbot.
Dick: They look at you oddly.
Tom: I document them looking at me oddly.
Dick: They quickly find someone else to look at. You leave the transbot and soon reach the door of the briefing room. All of you arrive at roughly the same time, after a brief walk through corridors too narrow to permit vehicular traffic.
George (ooc): We'll have to stop there. I'm supposed to give a speech about how we're going to save Social Security without raising taxes. I think a lot of people will be excited to have some control and some sense of ownership over their retirement savings. We all know it's not perfect, but it's a great idea.
Dick (ooc): Okay. We'll meet again next week.

GM - Vice President Cheney
Alberto-R-GZS-1 (Alberto) - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
Condi-R-ICE-1 (Condi) - Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice
Donald-R-UMI-1 (Donald) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
George-R-BSH-1 (George) - President George W. Bush
John-R-SNO-1 (John) - Secretary of Treasury John Snow
Samuel-R-BMN-1 (Samuel) - Secretary of Energy Samuel Bodman
Tom-R-IDG-1 (Tom) - Former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge