Never Sit with Your Back to the Door

March 12, 2005

Dick: When last we left the Troubleshooters, they had just arrived at their briefing room and were waiting with bated breath to find out what important mission the Computer has chosen for them. Jacques-R reads from the computer monitor on his desk without looking up at you.
Jacques-Y (in a flat monotone): "Thank you for your service to the Computer and Alpha Complex. You are models all citizens should strive to emulate. You have been selected for this mission by the unquestionable judgement of the Computer as the Troubleshooters best-suited in talent, demeanor, and taste to this high-priority mission, code-named Operation IRQ Freedom. As a result of enemy sabotage, certain elements of the IRQ Sector's critical infrastructure - including its power grid - have been compromised. Your mission is to ensure the timely departure of Transbot 1093 from the FRA Sector and its safe arrival at the nuclear reactor at the heart of the IRQ Sector. In addition to yourselves, this transbot will be carrying valuable equipment necessary to effect repairs, humanitarian relief for the citizens affected by this disaster, and a number of Tech Services and Power Services personnel who will be responsible for the repairs. The transbot, its cargo, and its passengers are entrusted to your care, citizens. I have faith that you will show the same vigilance in protecting them as I show in my care for you. Are there any questions?"
Condi (singing a happy tune): "How many passengers will be on board?"
Dick: Take a Perversity point. Jacques glances at his monitor. "I'm sorry, Citizen. That information is not available at your security clearance."
Alberto: "Has any traitorous group claimed responsibility for these attacks in the IRQ Sector?"
Jacques-Y: "I'm sorry, Citizen. That information is not available at your security clearance."
Samuel: "What specific variety of sabotage is responsible for the greatest power loss in the IRQ Sector?"
Jacques-Y: "Hmm. Nope. That information is not available at your security clearance."
George: "Precisely what sort of humanitarian relief are we talking about, here? Hot Fun? Cold Fun? Triple-B? "
Dick: He repeats tiredly. "That information is not available at..." He suddenly breaks into a grin. "Who am I kidding? I don't know anything else about your mission. Apparently, none of that information is available at my security clearance, either. See?"
Tom: I document him grinning.
Dick (rolls a die in secret): Coincidentally, you snap a picture just as he turns his monitor around to reveal a black and amber screen with the words "Classified: Security Clearance Yellow." You get a great shot of him grinning at you over the monitor screen, though. Write a number 4 on your character sheet.
Tom: "Shit."
Dick: And a number 5, too. Also, you are fined 1 credit for breaking the Verbal Morality Code. While you struggle to regain your composure after your double misstep, Jacques-Y returns the monitor to its original position and smiles sweetly. "Are there any other questions concerning the mission, Citizens?"
John: I raise my hand tentatively.
Jacques-Y (impatiently): "Yes, Citizen?"
John: "With all due respect, Citizen, by presenting this very important mission in such a pessimistic manner, aren't you encouraging substandard morale in your subordinates?"
John passes a note to Dick: Using Machine Empathy to encourage the Computer to take my side in this act of brazen insubordination. Spending whatever Perversity you'll allow.
Dick passes a note back: I'll let you spend up to 5.
John nods and passes it back: That's what I'll do, then.
Dick rolls a die in secret - a 3.
Jacques-Y (angrily): "I won't stand for such insubordinate..."
Dick: The Computer cuts in suddenly, its smooth, melodic voice soothing your ears and making your skin crawl. "The young Troubleshooter makes a convincing argument, Jacques-Y. You are fined 30 credits for failing to be happy. John-R, for questioning the judgement of a higher-clearance citizen, you are fined 200 credits."
John: I bow my head in acknowledgment. "The Computer's punishments are just."
Dick: The Computer continues. "However, as your insubordination served the Computer's noble purpose of making every citizen in Alpha Complex as happy as possible, you will be awarded 250 credits and a wool-like sweater." There is a whirring sound in the ducts above you, and then a red sweater drops from a chute and onto the desk. On the back, written in black thread, are the words, "Loyal Whistle-Blower."
Tom: Documenting.
Dick: Jacques-Y picks up the sweater and holds it out to John-R with a patronizing smile. "I believe this is yours, Citizen. You really should try it on. You wouldn't want to scoff at the Computer's gift, would you?"
John: Trying not to betray my nervousness, I take the sweater and put it on over my jumpsuit.
Condi (singing): "Aren't you happy with your gift, John-R?"
John: I smile winningly. "Honored and filled with joy. It seems almost to have stopped my muscles, for a moment."
Jacques-Y: "Now, if no one has any further questions, I think it is time to assign MBDs. Who wants to be leader?"
Everyone chimes in except John-R.
Dick: We'll start the bidding at 5 Perversity points. Do I hear 5?
George raises a hand.
Dick: George-R at 5. Do I hear 6? 6?
Tom waves.
Dick: Tom-R for 6. Do I hear 7?
Condi: 10.
Dick: Someone really wants this, don't they? Condi at 10. Do I hear 11?
Donald: 15.
Dick: Holy mackerel! These guys really don't kid around, do they? Donald-R at 15. Do I hear 16? How about 20?
George: 20.
Condi: 25.
Dick: Condi-R at 25. Anyone for 30? Step right up. How much is it worth to be team leader?
There is a long silence.
Dick: 25 going once. Twice!
George yelps and jumps out of his seat. "What the..?"
Dick (drily): 30 to George-R.
George (ooc): Hold on. That wasn't a bid. Someone kicked me under the table.
Dick: Shame on them. That's terrifically poor sportsmanship. Do you want to withdraw your bid?
George: No, of course not. 30 points, and I challenge anyone to one-up me on it.
No one does.
Dick: Sold to George-R for 30 Perversity points. Next on the block, we have this very nice Loyalty Officer badge. Do I hear 5 Perversity points?
Alberto waves.
Dick: 6?
Tom: 10.
George (ooc): I thought you wanted comm?
Tom (ooc): Watch.
Dick: Please keep your out of character comments confined to outside the auction room. I have Tom-R with 10. Anyone bid 11?
Alberto waves.
Dick: 12?
Donald waves.
Dick: 13?
Alberto waves.
Dick: 14?
Condi: 15.
Dick: Condi-R at 15. Do I hear 16?
George: 16.
Dick: I'm sorry, Citizen, but no one may be assigned more than one MBD per mission.
Alberto: 16.
Donald: 17.
Alberto: 20.
Dick: I hear Alberto-R with 20? Will 20 hold? Only 20 for the sacred duty of recording all signs of Communist tendencies among your fellow Troubleshooters?
Donald: Fine. 25.
Alberto: I'm out.
Dick: 25 going once. Twice...
Donald: Anyone else bid, and they'll never find the body.
Dick: Threatening your fellow players over the game. Tsk tsk! Anyone?
No one responds.
Dick: I have wonderful news! Due to the size of the mission team and the importance of the mission, the Computer has wisely chosen TWO Loyalty Officers for this mission. Donald, mark off 25 Perversity points. Alberto, mark off 20. Next, we have the important role of Hygiene Officer. We'll start the bidding at 5 Perversity points.
No one responds.
Dick: Come now, Citizens. A clean team is a mean team!
Still no response.
Dick: It looks like we are going to have to convince someone to take this important job. For shame, Citizens!
John: Tell you what, Dick. I'll be a happy Mr. Sponge if you give me 5 Perversity points.
Dick: Sold to John-R!
John (ooc): And you're all going to be sorry for keeping your mouths shut, too.
Dick: More out of character comments! More idle threats! Where is the camaraderie, Troubleshooters?
Condi: I'll do it for 4 Perversity points.
Dick: I'm sorry, Citizen, but this item has already been sold to John-R.
Condi (ooc): Talk about your no-bid contracts...
Dick grins.
George groans.
Dick: Next comes the important job of Communications and Recording Officer. We'll start the bidding at 5 Perversity points.
Condi: I'll do it if you give me 5 Perversity points.
Dick: Mandatory Bonus Duty is not a punishment, Citizen. It is an honor to serve the Computer as its C&R Officer! 5 Perversity points?
Tom: Done. Anyone who tries to drive the bidding up gets to wear the albatross, Condi.
Condi looks shocked.
Dick: Such accusations against one's fellow players! Such mockery of the honored MBD of C&R Officer. Going once. Twice. Sold to Tom-R for 5 Perversity points. Next on the slate, Equipment Guy. We'll start the bidding at 5 Perversity points.
Condi waves.
Dick: I have 5 from Condi-R. Anyone want to give me 10?
Condi: All that's left is Happiness Officer, Samuel. Do you want to spend the entire mission singing songs and pushing drugs?
Samuel waves.
Dick: For shame, Citizen. Happiness Officer is a sacred duty. I hear 10. Anyone for 15?
Condi: 15. You wouldn't want me to be EG. I have a 4 in all my Knowledge skills. Everything I tried to fix will probably explode.
Dick: I can't say that I approve of these tactics, Condi. 15. Anyone want to bid 20?
George (ooc): She's not joking, Samuel. If Condi-R is our EG, our mission is already a failure.
Tom (ooc): Just bid a little more. Alberto and I paid as much or more for our MBD.
Dick: I do not condone such peer pressure, Citizens. 15 going once. Twice.
Samuel: 20. You have a special place in the hell I will create for you during this mission, Condi.
Dick: So many idle threats. 20 going once. Twice. Condi-R?
Condi doesn't even move.
Dick: Sold to Samuel-R for 20 Perversity points.
John (ooc): Seriously, though, that seems like an unfair way to pass out MBDs, Dick.
Dick: Do you doubt my fairness, John? Behold, as I redistribute the wealth most favorably to those who contributed most. George, gain 50 Perversity points. Donald and Samuel, regain 22. Alberto, gain 6. Tom, gain 2.
George (ooc): Sounds fair to me.
Dick: Any further objections before we move on?
Alberto (ooc): As a group, we broke even. I'm going to be walking funny after spending 16 Perversity points for nothing, but I'm sure I'll win out, next time.
Dick: Good. Let's continue. Having assigned your MBDs and handed over your assigned MBD equipment (as noted on these handouts), Jacques-Y dismisses you with instructions to go to a PLC warehouse for outfitting. He doesn't know where it is, but he explains that your PDCs will vibrate whenever you are pointed in the right direction. Now, who was sitting in the chairs.
George (ooc): I can't remember, Dick. That was a week ago.
Dick: You can't fool me, George. It was you and John-R.
George (ooc): Hey, it was worth a shot.
Dick: So, which of you two is leaving the briefing room last?
George and John (in unison): Him!
Dick: Let's just make Agility checks, shall we? Oh, and if anyone would like to infuse the economy of the Perverse with some serious activity, I am accepting bids. Alberto?
Alberto: 5 against our noble leader.
Condi: 5 against John-R.
John (ooc): What did I ever do to you?
Dick: Now, now. Please keep the bidding emotionally neutral. Donald?
Donald: 5 for John, but you owe me.
George: 5 for myself, of course.
John: Easy come, easy go. 5 for myself.
Samuel: Anyone opposed to Condi is a friend of mine. 5 for John.
Tom: George deserves whatever he gets. 5 against him. Also, on my way out, I'm dropping a bug onto a low-traffic part of the floor.
Dick: Noted, Tom. Of course, you all realize I'm not refunding all the Perversity you spend, don't you? Okay, George, the strap of your overalls gets caught on a nail sticking out of the back of the chair. Subtract 5 from your Agility.
George: That drops it to a nice round 1. (Rolls a die publicly) How did I succeed? 1.
Dick: John, your chair is, surprisingly, of the swivel variety, and you are easily able to dismount it. Add 5 to your Agility.
John: Bringing me to 6. (Rolls a die publicly) Nope. 19. Thank you all for your support, though.
Dick: Despite your easy dismount, John, you trip over your own shoelaces and fall down. George strolls past you through the door and out into the corridor. Before you can right yourself, the steel door slides shut with an audible hiss.
John: Wait. Wasn't that door silent, before?
Dick: As a matter of fact, it was. That hissing is probably coming from all that thick smoke that's now making you choke and see spots. Everyone else, make me a Stealth check.
Alberto: Nope.
Condi: Yes. Margin of 6.
Donald: Nope.
George: Nope.
Samuel: Nope.
Tom: Um, no.
Dick: In my benevolence, I'll ignore your 20, this time, Tom-R.
Tom: Thank you, benevolent GM.
Dick: Condi is the only one who notices that John-R is missing. The door to the briefing room is now closed. Your PDCs are beginning to vibrate. Everyone gain 5 Perversity points for getting through the first two scenes in one piece. Not so fast, John-R. I need to speak with you alone, for a moment. I'll join you in just a moment.
John leaves.
Dick: Your PDCs ring in unison moments after you enter the hallway. Anyone ignoring it?
No one answers.
Dick: Good. There is a message from the Computer.
Dick passes notes to each of the players in the corridor. All but George-R's are identical: "John-R-SNO-1 failed to show up to briefing as ordered. Repeat. John-R-SNO-1 was not in the briefing room with you. You have never met John-R-SNO-1. When you meet him, you will be required to chide him for his tardiness in hopes of discouraging such behavior in the future."
George-R's note reads: "The transbot's caboose must never make it to the power plant in the IRQ Sector. If it comes loose just as you enter the IRQ Sector, you will be richly rewarded."
Tom passes a note to Dick: "Casually turning on the recorder tuned into the bug I planted."
Dick rolls a die in secret and then passes the note back: "Noted."
Dick (standing up): The rest of you are dismissed, for the rest of the week. This week, I want the rest of you to meditate on what you most enjoy about private GM conferences and whether you would like to trade places with John-R. There will be an essay due at the beginning of the session.
Dick enters the conference room with John.

GM - Vice President Cheney
Alberto-R-GZS-1 (Alberto) - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
Condi-R-ICE-1 (Condi) - Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice
Donald-R-UMI-1 (Donald) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
George-R-BSH-1 (George) - President George W. Bush
John-R-SNO-1 (John) - Secretary of Treasury John Snow
Samuel-R-BMN-1 (Samuel) - Secretary of Energy Samuel Bodman
Tom-R-IDG-1 (Tom) - Former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge