...And Consequences

October 29, 2005

Dick: Jacques-Y stands up and picks up a stool from the shadows at the back of the room, which he puts under the god light. He then retreats back behind his desk. "The Troubleshooters stand ready for your judgement, Friend Computer."
The Computer: "TOM-R-IDG-4, PLEASE STEP FORWARD AND HAVE A SEAT."
Tom: I do exactly as I'm told without speaking, though I smile with cherubic innocence, like Tom Delay in his mugshot.
Condi (ooc): I wouldn't call that cherubic innocence so much. He looked more like a high school in a Senior picture.
John (ooc): Most high school Seniors aren't that photogenic, at least not without serious retouching.
Alberto (ooc): I thought he looked a bit like the lawyers you always see on the back covers of phone books. It was sort of a "you can trust that I have you best interests at heart" smile.
Donald (ooc): He would do well in Alpha Complex.
Samuel (ooc): This room must have gotten bigger, because it sure is taking a long time for Tom-R to get to the stool at the center of it...
Dick: Yes. He's reached the stool.
Tom: I sit down.
The Computer: "FOR YOUR HEROIC SACRIFICE IN FIGHTING THE COMMIE MENACE, WHICH RESULTED IN THE TERMINATION OF A CALCULATED 52.71 TRAITORS, YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED 26,355 CREDITS.
George (ooc): So, which of the 53 Commies he killed was only 28 percent traitor?
John (ooc): Unless a mob can consist of less than 20 people, I'm sure there were more than 53 Commies in the transbot station.
Dick: There were.
Condi (ooc):Let me guess. When their treason was weighed, it was found that they all were at least partially innocent.
Tom (ooc): Condi, Rule Zero.
The Computer: "HOWEVER, YOUR ACTIONS RESULTED IN THE DEATHS OF 22.29 INNOCENT CITIZENS, SO YOU HAVE BEEN FINED 22,290 CREDITS TO PAY FOR THEIR CLONE REPLACEMENTS."
Tom: I bow my head. "Friend Computer, I am deeply sorry for having offended you. And I regret all my treasons because of your just punishments, but most of all because they offend you, Friend Computer. Have mercy on me."
The Computer: "THE MISSION RECORD INCLUDED A RECORDING OF A YELLOW CLEARANCE BRIEFING. AS RECORDING AND COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER, I AM FINING YOU 20 CREDITS AND PLACING YOU ON PROBATION.
Tom: "The Computer's punishments are just."
The Computer: "FOR YOUR LOYAL SERVICE TO BILL-B-CTN-4, YOU ARE BEING PROMOTED TO SECURITY CLEARANCE ORANGE. CONGRATULATIONS, CITIZEN."
Everyone blinks.
George (ooc): Who?
Tom (ooc): I have no idea.
George (ooc): Bullshit. Who's Bill-B?
Tom (ooc): I told you. I don't know. Maybe Dick will tell us when this is all over.
Dick: If you behave yourselves, I might cover it in the post-debriefing debriefing.
The Computer: "TOM-R-IDG-4, GET OFF THE STOOL. SAMUEL-R-BMN-4, PLEASE STEP FORWARD AND HAVE A SEAT."
Samuel: I do as I'm told.
The Computer: "YOUR BEHAVIOR DURING THIS MISSION TROUBLES ME."
George (ooc): That's just want you want to hear at the beginning of a debriefing...
Samuel (ooc): Shut up, George. Any chance I can spend my last 10 Perversity to defend myself.
Dick: Go ahead.
The Computer: "YOU ATTEMPTED TO ENTER A YELLOW CLEARANCE AREA. YOU ACCEPTED A BRIBE NOT TO INSPECT EQUIPMENT. YOU ENDANGERED VALUABLE EQUIPMENT BY RUNNING WITH MORE THAN THE MAXIMUM SAFE LOAD OF LASERS (4). YOU SABOTAGED A HYGIENE CLOSET. YOU ALLOWED SOME OF THE ASSIGNED BOTS TO BE SABOTAGED, RESULTING IN THE DESTRUCTION OF ALL THE BOTS ON THE MISSION. YOU WERE SEEN IN A SECURITY CLEARANCE VIOLET AREA. YOU ARE SUSPECTED OF POSSESSION OF A METABOLIC MUTATION. YOU DISCLOSED CLASSIFIED SECURITY CLEARANCE BLUE INFORMATION TO GEORGE-R WITHOUT AUTHORIZATION. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, SAMUEL-R?"
Samuel: I smile for the camera and probably for the laser turret. "I'm so very happy, Friend Computer!"
The Computer: "YOUR HAPPINESS HAS BEEN NOTED, CITIZEN SAMUEL-R. YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED 10 CREDITS. FOR YOUR TREASON, YOU HAVE BEEN LEVIED 100,000 CREDITS IN FINES AND REPLACEMENT COSTS."
George (ooc): Ouch. Erasure.
Samuel (ooc): Been nice playing with you guys...
The Computer: "HOWEVER, POWER SERVICES INFORMS ME THAT YOU HAVE DISCOVERED 10.01 NEW METHODS OF CONSERVING ENERGY IN ALPHA COMPLEX DURING YOUR MISSION. THEY WILL IMPLEMENT THESE CHANGES THROUGHOUT THE SECTOR. FOR THIS SERVICE YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED 101,000 CREDITS AND YOUR OWN PERSONAL PETBOT. TREAT IT WELL."
Samuel: I force the smile to continue. "Thank you, Friend Computer."
Computer: "IT IS SIMPLY YOUR DUE, LOYAL CITIZEN, AS IS THE EXPERIMENTAL DRUG COCKTAIL YOU WILL BE TAKING FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE. IT HAS BEEN FORMULATED TO CURB YOUR DESTRUCTIVE IMPULSES. I UNDERSTAND THE SIDE-EFFECTS ARE WITHIN ACCEPTABLE LIMITS. STEP BACK, SAMUEL-R. JOHN-R-SNO-2, PLEASE STEP FORWARD AND HAVE A SEAT."
John: I obey.
The Computer: "YOU WERE INSUBORDINATE TO [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS] AND TO OTHER CITIZENS OF HIGHER SECURITY CLEARANCE THAN YOUR OWN. YOUR ZEAL IN MAINTAINING TEAM AND TRANSBOT HYGIENE LEVELS, THOUGH INSUFFICIENT TO CAUSE YOUR MISSION TO SUCCEED, WAS ADMIRABLE. YOUR BEHAVIOR IN THE TRANSBOT STATION, AS NOTED IN ALBERTO-R'S REPORT, WAS NOT. FRATERNIZING WITH COMMUNISTS? FLEEING THE SCENE OF TREASON IN PROGRESS? I UNDERSTAND YOU WERE SLOW TO REACT TO ANY THREAT FACED BY THE TEAM. WOULD YOU CARE TO COMMENT ON THESE ACCUSATIONS?"
John: "I was trying to find a way to deactivate the perimeter defenses so we could get the transbot out of the Communist's trap. That was my role in George-R's battle plan. I find it strange that Alberto-R was writing false accusations in his loyalty notepad instead of guarding the transtube as ordered - the same transtube whose capture by the Communist menace forced us to negotiate with the sworn enemies of Alpha Complex..."
The Computer: "FOR YOUR INSUBORDINATION, YOU HAVE BEEN FINED 1,000 CREDITS. FOR YOUR LOYALTY TO YOUR DUTIES AS HYGIENE OFFICER, YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED 1,000 CREDITS. FOR YOUR BRAVE DEATH IN THE FINAL CONFRONTATION WITH [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS] AND YOUR ROLE IN FORCING [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS] TO CONFESS HIS TREASON, YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED 400 CREDITS. I HAVE ALSO PRESCRIBED AN INCREASED DOSAGE OF HAPPINESS-ENHANCING DRUGS. STEP BACK, JOHN-R. GEORGE-R-BSH-3, PLEASE STEP FORWARD AND HAVE A SEAT."
George: I obey with a spring in my step. How much Perversity will you let me spend to defend myself?
Dick: 5.
George: But you let Samuel-R spend 10.
Dick: Are you questioning the judgement of your Gamemaster?
George: No, no, no! I'll spend 5.
The Computer: "HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE FAILURE OF YOUR MISSION, TEAM LEADER?"
George: "Failure, Friend Computer? I'd say we did a fantastic job. Even if the Communists got those nuclear materials for the reactor and a cargo car full of humanitarian relief, we captured several thousand weapons of mass destruction and destroyed a transbot car filled with illegal weapons that they only would have used against us. The labor and materials cost of replacing what we lost is easily balanced out by the value of what we gained. If you look at it that way, the mission paid for itself. It is terrible that so many innocent lives were lost, but the guilt lies on the Communists, not on you or your Troubleshooters. The Communists want us to stop fighting them for fear that the innocent may suffer, but we know the truth. More innocents will die if the Communists win than will ever suffer as a result of the horrors of our war against them. Many technicians and bystanders died, but we killed scores of traitors and brought the treason of several high clearance citizens to light. It was a tough time back there in IRQ Sector, but I tell you with confidence, Friend Computer - mission accomplished."
There is a long pause while the players laugh.
The Computer: "FOR YOUR LOYALTY AND DETERMINATION, YOU HAVE BEEN PROMOTED TO SECURITY CLEARANCE ORANGE. FOR INSUBORDINATE BEHAVIOR DIRECTED AT ME, HOWEVER..."
Dick: The laser turret vaporizes George-O and reduces the stool to ash. Jacques-Y sighs and removes another stool from behind the desk.
The Computer: "DONALD-R-UMI-2, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT."
Donald: I do as I'm told, trying to ignore the smoking boots.
The Computer: "ACCORDING TO THE MISSION RECORD, YOU WERE WEARING A SECURITY CLEARANCE ORANGE KEVLAR VEST DURING AT LEAST A PORTION OF THE MISSION. PLEASE EXPLAIN YOURSELF."
Donald: Thank you for not phrasing that in the form of a question. "As explained previously, we soon discovered that the humanitarian relief and/or the transbot car carrying it was replaced by Commie mutant traitors with a large cache of illegal weapons. As a result of substantial sabotage, we were unable to contact you or any high clearance citizens who we could ask permission to use this arsenal once we were under heavy fire from traitors armed with slugthrowers. Knowing that if the Troubleshooters fell in their valiant battle with the Communist menace and seeing the means of prolonging the period for which I could fight them without giving my life for the Complex and Computer, I determined the use of armor one level above my security clearance was preferable to allowing the mission to fail. I truly had the best interests of Alpha Complex and its citizens at heart, and if that is a crime worthy of punishment, I will accept the penalty of that act."
The Computer: "FOR POSSESSING EQUIPMENT OF SECURITY CLEARANCE ORANGE, YOU HAVE BEEN FINED 10 CREDITS. I UNDERSTAND YOU ALSO SUFFER FROM UNDUE CURIOSITY. FOR THAT, YOU HAVE BEEN FINED 30 CREDITS."
Condi (ooc): What's the fine for excess use of passive voice.
Dick (ooc): You ask dangerous questions for someone who hasn't been punished, yet...
The Computer: "JIM-O TELLS ME THAT YOU SAVED HIS LIFE ON THE TRANSBOT AFTER THE SABOTAGED JACKOBOT LEFT HIM ON THE ROOF TO DIE. FOR RISKING YOUR LIFE TO RESCUE A CITIZEN OF CLEARANCE EQUAL TO YOUR OWN, YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED 500 CREDITS. "
George (ooc): Who's Jim-O?
John (ooc): With our luck, the Jim-R we killed in PLC was promoted to ORANGE after the technicians' debriefing.
Dick: Yep.
George (ooc): Hold on. The technicians got to testify, too?
Condi (ooc): Why did I let you lie to The Computer, George?
George (ooc): Would you have preferred I told it the truth?
Condi (ooc): If it meant you were the only one blamed for falsifying a requisition agreement and aiding and abetting smugglers, yes.
Donald: "Thank you, Friend Computer."
The Computer: "DONALD-R, STEP DOWN. CONDI-R, PLEASE STEP FORWARD AND HAVE A SEAT."
Condi: I do it, and I do it cheerfully.
The Computer: "YOU HAVE BEEN A GOOD HAPPINESS OFFICER. YOU'VE DEMONSTRATED MODEL HAPPINESS IN SITUATIONS WHERE DESPAIR MIGHT HAVE OTHERWISE PREVAILED. FOR THAT, YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED 50 CREDITS AND 6 CANS OF GELGERNINE AEROSOL. YOU GAVE YOUR LIFE WILLINGLY ON TWO OCCASIONS IN ACTS THAT SERVED ALPHA COMPLEX. IN THE FIRST CASE, YOU ARE BEING COMPENSATED THE 1,000 CREDIT COST OF YOUR CLONE, PER YOUR TEAM LEADER'S SUGGESTION. FOR THE SECOND OCCASION, YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED 1,000 CREDITS, A HERO OF OUR COMPLEX AWARD, AND AN INTERVIEW ON THE HAPPY HAPPY HOUR VIDSHOW. RETURN TO YOUR PLACE. ALBERTO-R, PLEASE STEP FORWARD AND HAVE A SEAT."
John (ooc): Poor Condi. No promotion.
Alberto: I do it, trying not to look directly at any of the cameras.
The Computer: "THE THOROUGHNESS OF YOUR REPORT HELPED DETERMINE THE FACTS OF THE MISSION IN SPITE OF NUMEROUS OTHER TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. FOR THAT SERVICE, YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED 100 CREDITS. IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION, HOWEVER, THAT YOUR RECENT EXPERIENCES AND PRIOR TRAINING HAVE MADE YOU PSYCHOLOGICALLY UNSTABLE. I HAVE PRESCRIBED A REGIMEN OF QUALINE TO HELP CURB YOUR VIOLENT IMPULSES."
John (ooc): Alberto-R has violent impulses? You're kidding!
Alberto (ooc): I was just doing my job. And what about all those traitors I turned over to IntSec?
Condi (ooc): If that's the worst you got, you're lucky.
The Computer: "YOU FALSELY ACCUSED, CRIMINALLY FRAMED, AND WRONGFULLY TERMINATED A CITIZEN OF EQUAL SECURITY CLEARANCE BEFORE THE MISSION HAD EVEN STARTED, PLANTING ILLEGALLY ACQUIRED BENETRIDIN ON JIM-O'S PERSON AS FALSE EVIDENCE AGAINST HIM. WHAT EXPLANATION DO YOU HAVE FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR?"
Alberto: "Um, I had to make my monthly quota?"
John (ooc): By that logic, cops should stop messing with speeders and just force people at gunpoint to shoot someone else just so they can cuff the unwilling lawbreaker and bring them in.
Alberto (ooc): In the category of "what if the villain in Saw had become a beat cop, instead?"
Condi (ooc): I thought that was how all Internal Security agents worked.
The Computer: "YOU HAVE BEEN TEMPORARILY RELIEVED OF YOUR NORMAL DUTIES. FOR THE NEXT MONTH, YOU WILL BE MAKING APPEARANCES AT CRECHES ON A CAMPAIGN TO ENCOURAGE JUNIOR CITIZENS TO LOVE AND RESPECT INTERNAL SECURITY. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY COMPLAINTS FROM THE JUNIOR CITIZENS THAT YOU HAVE FAILED TO BE LOVEABLE AND NICE TO THEM. FURTHERMORE, YOU HAVE BEEN FINED 40 CREDITS FOR UNAUTHORIZED POSSESSION OF INDIGO DRUGS. ALSO, YOU ARE BEING HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE COST OF REPLACING JIM-O'S CLONE. 1,000 CREDITS HAVE BEEN DEBITED FROM YOUR ACCOUNT, AND YOU WILL REPORT TO THE NEAREST KWIK N' EZ TERMINATION BOOTH IN THREE HOURS FOR TERMINATION. THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU TIME TO THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU REGRET WHAT YOU'VE DONE. DEBRIEFING ENDS."
Dick: Jacques-Y pushes a button, and the door behind you opens. He shoos you out. Anyone disobeying?
John: No.
The others agree.
Dick: Now, about those secret society missions. Alberto-R, the registered mutant on your team lost a few clones on the mission, and you manage to take credit for at least one of them. You have been promoted to Degree 2.
Alberto (ooc): Sorry I slashed your face repeatedly with a razor. Have a cookie.
Dick: Condi-R, you failed in your mission to become the disciple of John-R-KRY-3.
Condi (ooc): It was not an easy mission. Just ask any liberal in the U.S.
Dick: Donald-R, you never managed to trade your Old Reckoning books for Osama-B's electronic copies of Old Reckoning books.
Donald (ooc): Oh well.
Dick: George-R, you got the prototype jackobot onto the transbot successfully, but the Troubleshooters had to destroy it before it could prove its usefulness.
Samuel (ooc): You brought an experimental bot along on a mission without being forced into it? Was that the one that turned out to be a mass murderer?
Dick: Yes.
Samuel (ooc): George, you bastard!
George (ooc): How was I supposed to know it would try to kill us all?
Dick: You failed to help close the sale for an important member of your secret society, but your failure ended in that member getting a better deal from another customer. You've been promoted to Degree 2 in one of your secret societies.
George (ooc): Because I'm just that good.
Dick: Your actions in disconnecting the transbot didn't have the consequences your hidden masters expected, but your mission helped them your immediate superior increase his status because you managed to get his master killed. You have been promoted to Degree 2 in your secret society.
Condi (ooc): How many secret societies are you in, George?
George (ooc): Just three.
Dick: John-R, you didn't quite do what you were told, because you never got the multicorder tape. Worse, you were at least partially responsible for thwarting a major secret society goal - one that took months of planning and preparation. Your secret society alters your suicide vest to detonate if you try to take it off or if your bosses press a little red button on a remote. They also wire you up with a tiny camera and mike so they can spy on anything you see and hear. They suggest you make yourself more useful next time, because if you fail them again, they intend to use you as a message that The Computer cannot stop suicide bombers from killing innocent people.
Donald (ooc): Just when you thought you weren't the whipping boy anymore...
Dick: Samuel-R, you get the credit for destroying all the bots on the transbot or, at the least, arranging for all of them to be destroyed. You are promoted to Degree 2.
Samuel (ooc): After the vengeful docbot incident, I certainly hope so.
Dick: Tom-R, the official records state that you brought John-R-KRY to justice personally, dying for the cause. For extremely loyal service to The Computer, you are promoted to Degree 3.
Tom (ooc): Excellent. And the other mission?
Dick: What other mission?
Tom (ooc): Bringing the token to Osama-B?
Dick: That was not a real mission. Someone must have been messing with you.
Tom (ooc): Oh. That's good, though, because I would have failed that one.
George (ooc): Okay, you said something about a post-debriefing debriefing. What really happened?
Dick: Osama-B-LDN was a high-ranking PURGE member who wanted to get his hands on WMDs to use in his constant war against The Computer, but IRQ Sector was too unstable for The Computer to store any WMDs there. He made a deal with Kofi-B-NAN, a Free Enterprise boss in FRA Sector, to ship as many WMDs as possible to IRQ Sector. He knew the PLC Warehouse in FRA Sector had what he needed, but there was no way to smuggle it out. Kofi-B needed some pretense for sending supplies to IRQ Sector.
John (ooc): He hired John-R-KRY-3 to sabotage the infrastructure?
Dick: Not quite. Shortly before Osama-B made his request, FRA Sector's Communist boss Abraham-B-LCN had offered Kofi-B a substantial sum to provide support for John-R-KRY - the leader of the Communists in IRQ Sector. Kofi-B refused, at first, but when Osama-B's offer landed in his lap, he couldn't say no to being paid by two secret societies for doing the same job.
George (ooc): What Free Enterprise capo could?
Dick: He ordered a large supply of humanitarian supplies and supplies for the repair of a nuclear reactor and stored them in the same warehouse as the WMDs. Then he used some of the funds to buy explosive chemicals and then arranged for them to fall into the hands of members of IRQ Sector's huge Death Leopard community with instructions for taking down the sector's infrastructure thoughtfully tucked inside. The Death Leopards created the biggest blackout the sector had ever known, giving John-R-KRY a chance to build up his forces without Int Sec interference, creating a distraction in IRQ Sector that make smuggling WMDs through it laughingly easy, and providing an excuse to initiate a Troubleshooter mission to guard a transbot filled with WMDs under the guise of repairing the nuclear reactor. He sent Jacques-Y to brief the Troubleshooters.
Condi (ooc): Why would he send free conventional weapons, too?
Dick: Abraham-B-LCN found out about the plot, though, and decided to hijack the cargo to help John-R-KRY take over IRQ Sector completely. He had a lackey in the PLC warehouse steal the code chip necessary to access the WMD crates and deliver it to Jacques-Y's office so he could frame Jacques-Y and then collect the token himself for later delivery to John-R-KRY. He also bribed Peter-O to switch the contents of the humanitarian supply car crates with the contents of many weapons crates in the warehouse, intending to pin the blame on the Troubleshooters by tricking them into acknowledging receipt of humanitarian goods they later wouldn't be able to account for.
John (ooc): When PURGE and Commies fight, it is the Troubleshooters who suffer.
Dick: The president of the PLC firm responsible for providing the humanitarian relief and nuclear reactor supplies smelled a rat when he heard that IRQ Sector's reactor was damaged shortly after his firm had sent supplies perfect for stabilizing the situation to a warehouse in FRA Sector that was also coincidentally where a large supply of WMDs was kept. He rush delivered crates filled with dummy nuclear warheads, empty petri dishes, and noisemakers to the FRA Sector PLC warehouse and had them switched with the real things, which his minions promptly smuggled out again by pretending to have delivered the crates in error due to an ordering glitch.
John (ooc): Let me guess. That was Bill-B-CTN.
Dick: Yes. Bill-B cut a last minute deal with Kofi-B to pay for what he was stealing, because it is never a good idea to irritate Free Enterprise too much. Osama-B and Abraham-B both picked technicians loyal to their secret society who would escort the transbot to the desired destination.
Donald (ooc): That means we foiled both PURGE and the Communists. Sweet!
Tom (ooc): One wonders, however, which secret society Bill-B serves. There are a lot of nukes in that crate...
Samuel (ooc): Not to mention the super-bugs and God-knows-what in the third crate...
George (ooc): Who does Bill-B serve?
Dick: Sounds like a mystery for your next mission. This one is over, now.

GM - Vice President Cheney
Alberto-R-GZS-1 (Alberto) - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
Condi-R-ICE-1 (Condi) - Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice
Donald-R-UMI-1 (Donald) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
George-R-BSH-1 (George) - President George W. Bush
John-R-SNO-1 (John) - Secretary of Treasury John Snow
Samuel-R-BMN-1 (Samuel) - Secretary of Energy Samuel Bodman
Tom-R-IDG-1 (Tom) - Former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge