Energy Efficiency

July 12, 2005

Dick: The docbot eventually arrives like the only surgeon on a transbot full of wounded passengers.
Condi (ooc): That's not even a metaphor, Dick.
Dick: So, who's first?
Alberto: "Without our team leader, we would be without direction, docbot. Please tend George-R's wounds, first."
George (ooc): Gee, thanks, Alberto.
Docbot: "Unknown user. Please consult user's manual for setup instructions."
Samuel: I'm the equipment guy, so it only obeys me. "Docbot, please assist George-R."
Docbot: "Complying with request."
Dick: The docbot immediately goes to John-R and busies itself with the slug wound.
Samuel: "Docbot. That's John-R, not George-R. Team leader has priority over hygiene officer."
Docbot: "Negative. Citizen John-R has first priority. Hygiene officers are more essential to the success of a team's mission than the team leader. Please consult user's manual for setup instructions."
Samuel: "Where is the user's manual, docbot?"
Docbot: "User's manual is available via PDC data request to any citizen of security clearance GREEN or higher."
Dick rolls in secret - 2.
Dick: It removes the slug and closes the wound with nanobots. John-R's wounded status is eliminated.
Samuel: "The hygiene officer appears to have made a full recovery. Now, please tend George-R's wounds."
Docbot: "Acknowledged."
Dick rolls in secret - 1.
Dick: It quickly patches up your various wounds.
Samuel: Hey. A docbot that doesn't actually suck at doctoring. "Now tend my wounds, docbot."
Docbot: "Error. No injury detected."
Samuel: I point at all the cuts and bruises on my body.
Docbot: "Condition normal."
Samuel: "I beg to differ. I suggest you re-calibrate your sensors to recognize injuries when you see them, you ambulatory vendobot."
Dick rolls in secret - 4.
Docbot: "Re-calibrating sensors. Sensors re-calibrated. Injury detected."
Dick: It jabs you with a hypodermic needle and begins to work on you even as the anesthetic puts you under.
Docbot: "Commencing surgery. Please stand by."
Dick holds up an open hand and begins a countdown from five.
Samuel (ooc): Uh oh. Guys, do something!
No one moves or speaks.
Dick: The docbot quickly and efficiently repairs all Samuel-R's injuries. It hisses and chirps for a moment and then starts shaving off all the hair on Samuel-R's body.
George: We should probably leave them alone to plan our next move...
Condi: Condi-R nods.
John: I turn away from the docbot's work and follow George-R.
Alberto: I look slightly disappointed to leave this scene, but I follow.
Donald: I look upon the docbot's zeal and swallow hard before hurrying after them.
Samuel (ooc): Isolation chamber?
Dick points to one of the isolation chambers.
Samuel (ooc): Yes, Mr. Gamemaster, sir.
Tom: Have I gotten to the transbot, yet?
Dick: I'm sorry. I almost forgot about you, Tom.
Tom (ooc): You wouldn't be the first.
George (ooc): We didn't forget about you. We left you for dead. Get it straight.
Dick: Isolation booth for you, too, Tom.
Tom (ooc): Aww...
George: "So, Condi-R, what did you learn?"
Condi (to the tune of "Happy Birthday"): "Friend Computer told me / bargain with the Commies. Nuke reactor is waiting. Bargain with the Commies."
George: "What are we supposed to offer them that they can't take for themselves?"
Condi (to the tune of "Amazing Grace"): "We've got these guns that taint our minds / with propagandizin'. The traitors are in / for worse than brainscrub. Let's give the guns to them."
George: "Won't they just turn around and blast us with them?"
Alberto: We have a cargo car filled with WMDs. We could threaten to drop a nuke or unleash a super-virus in the transbot station if they break the faith."
George: "Won't they just demand that we give them those, too?"
Donald (ooc): Not if the GM wants us to finish the mission.
Dick (ooc): Treason point for Donald.
John: "We need to convince them that we're willing and able to blow up ourselves, them, and everything on the transbot if they don't give us what we want."
Condi (singing tunelessly): "Sounds like it's time for a loyalty fight song."
Donald: "I agree."
George: "Something about not being afraid to die in the service of The Computer, I'd say."
Alberto: "Sounds about right."
Dick: At that moment, two clones of slain technicians arrive in the transtube at the transbot station. You know this because of the sound of gunfire and screaming that immediately follows this event."
George: "Condi-R, since you're the one who got the instructions to bargain with the Commies, you'll go bargain with the Commies. We'll give them the propaganda arsenal if they'll shut down the perimeter defenses."
John: "We can pile up the goods outside the transbot as a show of goodwill, but we aren't going to let them come close until they shut down the defenses and let us out of the station."
Condi: I sigh slightly and obey orders.
Condi passes Dick a note: Using Charm to make these negotiations go smoothly. I'll spend up to 5 Pervs to make it work.
Dick rolls in secret and ignores the result.
Dick passes Condi a note: You quickly convince the Commies of the merit of your truce, and they say they will shut down the defenses as soon as you set the weapons down outside of the transbot where they can see them.
Dick: While Condi-R is gone, there is a scream from the front of the transbot.
George: "John-R and Donald-R, investigate that disturbance. We'll be right behind you."
Alberto: "Right behind you and ready for anything, yes."
Donald (ooc): Why did I hear the word "Precious" at the end of that sentence?
George (ooc): Nasssty Hobbitses. We hates them forever!
Alberto (ooc): I'm nothing like Smeagol.
Condi (ooc): Smeagol never made it onto the short list of Supreme Court Justice candidates.
Dick: Anyone not obeying orders?
John: I draw my laser and advance cautiously toward the screaming.
Dick: You are in error, citizen. There is no one screaming.
John: Very well. I'm advancing cautiously toward where the scream was before it was cut off by God-knows-what.
Donald: Advancing with the flamethrower at the ready.
Dick rolls in secret - 3.
Dick: You do realize that these transbot cars aren't large enough to use a flamethrower safely, don't you?
Donald (ooc): Are you calling me an asshole?
Dick: What? No. That's just the way things are laid out. Why are you and John laughing?
John (ooc): Old gaming joke of mine. In 2nd Ed. AD&D, fireballs expanded until they either filled up the full volume of a 20 foot radius sphere or ran out of places to go. It kept wizards from hurling them in narrow corridors without thinking long and hard about backblast. I had an obnoxious powergamer in one of my games who loved that spell a little too much. Whenever he cast fireball without asking how big the area was, the room would turn out to be a size inversely proportional to how much of an asshole he was being. The bigger the asshole, the smaller the room. Little asshole, and he might walk away with a singed beard. Moderate asshole, and he'd get hit with his own spell. Big asshole, and I got to borrow the "chunky salsa" explosives rules from Shadowrun.
Dick: I see. Since we've firmly established that the Secretary of Defense is not an asshole - a master of Kung Fu, if the Slate is to be believed, but not an asshole - I think we can move forward toward the sound of the scream.
Donald: Side note. Since I recognize that using a flamethrower would be extremely dangerous, I'll switch to my laser. Besides being more skilled with it, it doesn't spout Commie propaganda.
George: I'll ready my laser, as well.
Alberto: I'll collect a new laser body and connect a new barrel to it.
Dick: You carefully advance toward the front of the transbot, the darkness seeming to push against the illumination of your flashlights.
Condi (ooc): Watch out. That facehugger is bound to show up any minute, now.
George (ooc): Hush, you.
Dick: No facehuggers, Frankenstein bots, or Commie mutant traitors leap out at you while you pass through the Technical Services passenger car.
Condi (ooc): Wait for it...
Dick: You reach the lounge car.
Condi (ooc): It's in the lounge! Run for your lives!
Dick: Treason point. Would you please let me run the game, Condi?
Condi (ooc): Sorry, Dick. I just got carried away. Boo!
Alberto (ooc): Condi. Could you please be more careful. You almost made me spill my drink. And no, *not* by scaring me.
Dick (ooc): Isolation chamber, Condi. And no coffee for you for the rest of the session.
Condi (ooc): What about Mountain Dew?
Dick (ooc): You don't even drink Mountain Dew.
Condi (ooc): I mean hypothetically speaking. If I'm not allowed to have coffee, I might need a methadone to tide me over until my punishment I lifted.
Dick (ooc): No caffeine or any other stimulant of any kind for the rest of the session. Go to the booth!
Condi leaves.
Dick (ooc): What's up with her today?
George (ooc): She's up to something.
Alberto (ooc): Of course, but what?
Donald (ooc): Maybe she was trying to look at your character sheet, Alberto.
Alberto (ooc): It's not like I leave it lying on the table secret side up.
George (ooc): Did you list your IntSec connection on the front?
Alberto (ooc): As a matter of fact... Wait. I'm not in Internal Security. What are you talking about?
John (ooc): We all believe you, Alberto. Sure. In any case, it's not like she knows it any less than the rest of us do, and we - well, at least I - haven't been peeking at your character sheet, either.
Dick (ooc): Are we going to game or speculate on the motives of Baroness Harkonen?
George (ooc): Sorry. Go ahead. We were about to find something horrible in the lounge car.
Dick: You got me. Sprawled out on the kitchen counter top with an apple in his mouth and a metal pole running through his body from neck to crotch is a Power Services technician. There is a lot of blood running into the drainage grate in the floor.
Donald: Aw. What the hell. I'll go and check for a pulse.
Dick: Not to leave you in too much suspense about the technician's condition, I think a GM conference is in order.
George: I call dibs on the apple.

GM Conference with Samuel

Dick: When you come to, you notice that you are shaved and suffering from a near-fatal degree of liposuction. Oh, and your left arm has been amputated at the shoulder.
Samuel: "Docbot! What have you done with my arm?"
Docbot: "I have made your body more energy efficient by eliminating unnecessary parts."
Samuel stares at Dick in horror for a moment.
Dick: It then kicks into gear and heads out to help Tom-R, who has finally managed to crawl into the transbot. Stay here.
Dick leaves the room and returns with Tom.
Dick: Tom-R, you crawl into the humanitarian relief car, and a docbot immediately moves to tend your injuries.
Tom: I'm hardly in a position to resist, at the moment. I'll let it work on me.
Dick rolls a die in secret and ignores the result.
Dick: It patches you up, after a fashion, but charges you an arm.
Samuel: Literally?
Dick: Yes.
Tom: Wait. Back up. What?
Dick: It puts you under, heals all your wounds with nanobots, and amputates your left arm.
Samuel (ooc): It makes your body more energy efficient.
Tom (ooc): Did you program it to do this?
Dick: Samuel-R is missing an arm, too.
Samuel (ooc): And here we thought that in the future, medical care would become better and less expensive.
Dick: Hey. It only charged you an arm, not an arm and a leg. It's a cut rate discount.
Tom (ooc): I hate you.
Dick: Perhaps, but this GM conference is now over.

GM - Vice President Cheney
Alberto-R-GZS-1 (Alberto) - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
Condi-R-ICE-1 (Condi) - Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice
Donald-R-UMI-1 (Donald) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
George-R-BSH-1 (George) - President George W. Bush
John-R-SNO-1 (John) - Secretary of Treasury John Snow
Samuel-R-BMN-1 (Samuel) - Secretary of Energy Samuel Bodman
Tom-R-IDG-1 (Tom) - Former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge