Nate and Ed return to America for the holidays. They soon learn of a small gaming convention (Bostic Con 1819) being held in Boston on New Year's Eve and make arrangements to attend. There they join a one-shot 3rd Edition D&D game. William Cullen Bryant (Will) is the DM. Joining Ed and Nate are three other boys - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (Henry), John Greenleaf Whittier (who insists they call him Greenleaf), and Oliver Wendell Holmes (Oliver). Will has not pregenerated characters, so each of the players builds his own 9th level character - a process that takes a couple hours before they are ready to play.
Will: The five of you have come in answer to a summons by the King of the Wood Elves. While the reasons why you were chosen and the reasons why you have chosen to respond likely differ considerably, you are now in the king's throne room.
Henry: I cast fireball at the king with my staff of fire.
Greenleaf (ooc): Why?
Henry (ooc): Saelic serves no one he deems unworthy of him.
Will: The orb of fire fizzles as one of the king's elite guards counters it.
Nate: Lindley draws her sword in a single smooth motion and holds it against Saelic's throat. "Please restrain yourself in the hall of the wood king, mage. I strongly advise you not to disrupt this gathering a second time." A nimbus of red fire dances along the blade.
Greenleaf: "Your majesty, what is the quest for which you have gathered us together? I am eager to win the respect of your lordship for my people as a gesture of our good will."
Will (as the Elven King): "Some weeks ago, a star named Corusan exploded in the night sky. Three days later, a new star took its place in an equally brilliant celestial display. Our greatest seers believe this portends the return of a great evil once thought lost or destroyed. Whatever form this menace possesses, its source lies to the west, in the mountains beyond the Mirky Wood. It is our desire that you should seek out this source of evil. Destroy it, if you can. If it is beyond your power, report its nature to us with all haste that we may rally the peoples against this threat to Centerland."
Oliver: "And what will be our reward?"
Will (as the Elven King): "Name your price, Taetia. If it is within my power, it is yours."
Ed (ooc): Wow, this guy is desperate. we could seriously milk him.
Greenleaf (ooc): That hardly seems the right thing to do. Obviously, our characters have as much of a stake in this scenario's outcome as anyone else in Centerland.
Oliver (ooc): But he said he'd give us anything we want.
Nate (ooc): And why not? This is a one-shot game. It's not like we get to keep any of it.
Ed (ooc): Good point.
Oliver: "Your offer is acceptable to me. However, I believe you should at least provide us with an advance on our reward - as a goodwill gesture."
Henry: "A staff of power or two would be nice, unless you have a staff of the magi laying around."
Nate: "Hold your tongues! This is a worthy cause. I will entertain the possibility of a reward, but only because Adrian and I need food, shelter, and other essentials in order to continue our lives as honorable knight and worthy steed."
Greenleaf: "I, also, have no lust for a reward, most especially one for a service I have not yet rendered. The experience of testing my abilities is reward enough for me, your majesty."
Will (as the Elven King): "How about you, Annabelle? Do you demand an advance to serve the greater good?"
Ed: "Your majesty, I am but a simple halfling. As long as my stomach is full and my cup is never empty, there is very little I desire in this life that is not served just as well by killing and eating all who oppose me in this life."
Oliver (ooc): Did you say "killing and eating?"
Ed: She most certainly does, after which she flashes a mouthful of teeth that appear to be noticeably lacking in incisors. What she lacks in incisors, however, she makes up for in canines.
Oliver (ooc): Where exactly did you get the template for a half-shark to put on your halfling?
will (ooc): Actually, she's just a halfling. I let Ed take the Vicious Smile Feat, though.
Oliver (ooc): That's supposed to be half-orc only, though.
Ed (ooc): It inflicts 1d4 instead of 1d6, due to the smaller size. I just picked it because it was funny and fit the character.
Greenleaf (ooc): How does a halfling with a bite attack fit your character?
Nate (ooc): Annabelle is a cannibal.
Ed (ooc): No she isn't. She doesn't eat halflings.
Nate (ooc): Just everything else...
Ed (ooc): Well, yes. I prefer to think of her as an gourmet carnivore.
Greenleaf (ooc): That's rather disgusting. You know that, don't you?
Will (ooc): Not half as disgusting as using half the Ultimate Feats book for a one-shot game.
Henry (ooc): You said it was okay.
Will (ooc): Admittedly. Anyway, bonk. Where were we?
Henry: Casting fireball at the king, again?
Nate: Are you sure? Lindley still has a flaming sword at your throat. Wouldn't want to provoke an attack of opportunity, would you?
Henry (ooc): Using a staff doesn't provoke an attack of opportunity.
Nate (ooc): But trying to kill a rightful ruler without even an appropriate motive would certainly give a paladin a reason to attack you, and at this range, I think I might have you at a disadvantage.
Henry: Fine. Saelic doesn't incinerate the king. You should know that I've already decided how your character is going to die, though. "Please put up your sword, warrior. It would be a pity for you to fall on it."
Nate: "Is that a threat, Saelic? I have nothing to fear from your dark arts, sorcerer."
Henry: "I am as essential to the success of this quest as you are, Lindley, else I would not have been chosen to lead it."
Nate: "You, lead us? You have no more right to lead than Annabelle, here!"
Ed (ooc): Thank you, Nate.
Nate (ooc): Sorry, Ed.
Ed: Annabelle licks her lips and eyes Saelic's right thigh. "She's right. I am unfit to lead. The last time I led a band of soldiers, I ended up eating half of them along the way."
Oliver: "I heard about that, but I wouldn't have believed it, until now."
Greenleaf: "You are a very strange halfling, Annabelle."
Oliver: "I, for one, do not approve of appointing anyone leader over everyone else. That's not the way I work. Everyone should have equal say."
Nate: "Good. We'll take a vote, then. All those opposed to demanding an advance from the king, say aye. Aye."
Greenleaf: "Aye."
Ed: Annabelle pokes Saelic's leg with her finger. "Hm. A little flabby, but a nice long walk through the woods should trim off the fat." She seems to suddenly realize that other people are looking at her. "Oh, yes. Aye." She resumes her Saelic thigh reverie, unpacking an enormous cookbook from her backpack and perusing it.
Oliver (ooc): She's a barbarian. Can she even read it?
Ed (ooc): As a matter of fact, no, but it has a lot of very graphic pictures.
Greenleaf (ooc): Wow. Mom would kill me if she heard about your character.
Nate (ooc): Why?
Greenleaf (ooc): She thinks D&D is a recruiting club for the occult.
Will (ooc): Someone has been reading too many Jack Chick tracts.
Oliver (ooc): Are you saying it isn't? Dammit! I want my money back. And here I thought I must be close to level eight, by now. I was expecting that any day, a female DM was going to show up and teach me how to cast real spells.
Ed (ooc): Life is full of diappointments. I find it's easier to cope if you play cannibals.
Greenleaf (ooc): Riiiight...
Nate (ooc): Besides. They don't recruit from D&D players, anymore. World of Darkness players are far more willing to sell their souls simply because it makes them more goth than their buddies. I hear that if you get at least four dots in all nine Mage Spheres and then turn Barabbi, Anne Rice shows up to make you an offer you can't refuse.
Greenleaf (ooc): You're not serious, are you?
Will (ooc): He's joking. Can we get back to the game, now?
Nate: "It looks like we take our reward after the mission is complete."
Oliver: "I never agreed to this. You can do what you want, but I want an advance."
Nate: "But we voted. You two lost. Didn't you say everyone should have equal say?"
Oliver: "Equal say, but keep your equal say out of my business. Either I get some serious magical goodies now, or I'm leaving."
Greenleaf: "Your life is in as much danger as ours, whether you join us or not. This threat belongs to all of Centerland."
Henry: "I will accompany you three on this quest, if only so I can murder you in your sleep and make the mockeries of your living flesh perform disgraceful acts on one another."
Ed (ooc): The things some people will do to watch undead lesbian action, these days.
Greenleaf (ooc): That is really disgusting. Do all gamers behave in this fashion?
Will (ooc): Behave, no, but quite a number have dirty little minds.
Ed (ooc): I don't have a dirty mind. Henry's the one who wants to make Sardis suck his dick.
Nate (ooc): Ed, enough. I think you're traumatizing the healer. You know how much of a bad idea that is.
Oliver: "I'm giving you until the count of five to make me an offer I can't refuse before I walk out these doors and find an employer who is willing to compromise and companions who aren't complete suckers."
Will (as the Elven King): I will give you ten thousand pieces of gold now.
Oliver: "Gold? That stuff is heavy. You might as well just tie a giant salt lick to my tail."
Will (as the Elven King): If you would prefer, I can provide this payment in gems and art objects."
Oliver: "How very gracious of his majesty. At least I'll be a corpse with bling-bling. Shiny gems don't do much to improve one's survivability."
Will (as the Elven King): "What exactly is it that you want?"
Oliver: "Depends. What do you got?"
Nate: "Your majesty, this cat woman is wasting precious time. If this terrible threat leaves the mountains beyond the Mirky Wood, we might never find it."
Oliver: "Go you selfless way through the spooky woods, woman, but I'm not going anywhere until I get some satisfactory compensation."
Ed (ooc): Can we please just play?
Oliver (ooc): I'm just staying in character. It shouldn't take too long for me to haggle.
An hour passes during which it is revealed that, by some amazing coincidence, the elven kingdom of Mirky Wood has no magical wonders of any interest of which the PCs do not already possess several dozen duplicates. The only exceptions to this are a manual of bodily health +2, a manual of gainful exercise +2, a manual of quickness in action +2, a tome of clear thought +2, a tome of leadership and influence +2, and a tome of understanding +2.
Oliver (ooc): See? Good things come to those who wait.
Henry (ooc): Aren't you going to share?
Oliver (ooc): No. It's your own fault you didn't haggle with the king. I earned these books fair and square. I'm going to read them and pump up.
Will (ooc): You realize it takes a minimum of six days to read each book, don't you?
Oliver (ooc): Yes, but this is an important mission, and I'm not going into before I read all the books.
Oliver: "It has been a pleasure doing business with you, your majesty. Is there a place where my companions and I may stay while I peruse the contents of my advance?"
Greenleaf: "I must request that you do not persist in this course of action, Taetia. Many lives are at stake, and any delay gives this returning evil more time to spread."
Nate: "If it's trail does not grow cold in the wake of its escape."
Ed: "Besides, I'm getting hungry. I'd prefer not to eat elves, if I don't have to, but I will rather than starve."
Oliver: "Screw you guys. I'm not leaving until I've read these books. You're just jealous because I wasn't a complete sucker the way you were."
Nate (ooc): "Have you ever tried furry, Annabelle?"
Will: Is that in character?
Nate (ooc): No, I suppose it wouldn't be. Seriously, though, this adventure is going to be harder if we sit around for a month while catgirl catches up on her summer reading.
Ed (ooc): Yeah. We've already wasted an hour waiting for you.
Oliver (ooc): It will be quick, this time. Just shut up and let Will tell us that a month has passed, and we can get on with the game.
Greenleaf (ooc, sighing): Fine. I just want to finish the game tonight.
Ed (ooc): What choice do we have? We can't just leave another character behind.
Nate (ooc): Whatever.
Will: Okay. You spend thirty-six days waiting for Taetia to read her books and perfect the techniques contained in them.
Henry (ooc): Hold on. Saelic has some things he wants to do during this time.
Will: Sure, but keep it short.
Henry: Saelic visits a few nearby villages, casts cloudkill on the inhabitants, and then animates them as zombies under his control.
Nate (ooc): What's your alignment?
Henry (ooc): Chaotic Neutral, but all those zombies will be serving the higher purpose of fighting this gathering menace in the west.
Ed (ooc, muttering): If it isn't in the south, by then...
Will: How many zombies?
Henry (ooc): Nine at 2 HD each.
Will (ooc): You realize a small village has more than nine inhabitants, don't you?
Henry (ooc): Yes. I have to kill everyone in the village, though. Otherwise, there would be witnesses.
Greenleaf (ooc): And you don't see a problem with this?
Henry (ooc): No. It's for the greater good.
Ed: What the heck. Annabelle is going to follow Saelic and make some of the corpses into elfwurst sausages. Gotta survive somehow.
Greenleaf: Sardis will spend the majority of the time in meditative contemplation and self-flagellation.
Oliver (ooc): Self-flagellation?
Greenleaf (ooc): What good are those 39 power points if you don't spend them.
Saelic (ooc): You have some sort of 'whips and chains' power?
Greenleaf (ooc): No. Just 39 power points and lesser body adjustment as a Trigger Power. Sixty percent of the time, it doesn't even cost a power point to use.
Henry (ooc): So, that's better than 80 uses of that power per day. I think someone just won the sanity challenged award.
Ed (ooc): Says the mass murdering necromancer...
Oliver (ooc): Says the cannibal with twelve ranks in Cooking...
Nate (ooc): Says the procrastinating furry...
Will: Excellent. Is that it? Are we ready to leave the elven castle, now?
Nate: Just one more thing. Lindley will join Sardis, except in the self-flagellation part. The only way we're getting through this game with our skins or sanity intact is with a lot of prayer.
Will: Okay, good. Let's play.
William Cullen Bryant (Will) - DM
Edgar Allen Poe (Ed) plays Annabelle, an extremely carnivorous halfling barbarian.
Nathaniel Hawthorne (Nate) plays Lindley, an elven paladin.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (Henry) plays Saelic, a human necromancer.
John Greenleaf Whittier (Greenleaf) plays Sardis, a human psion (Egoist).
Oliver Wendell Holmes (Oliver) plays Taetia, a human fighter/rogue whom Oliver nevertheless insists looks like a humanoid cat.